I know I wished and hoped for many years that I could one day be an adult but, I now regret my thirst to be older. Growing up has to be one of the weirdest things I've ever done because now, I subconsciously seek approval in everything I do. I usually I wouldn't give a shit what people had to say. However, it seems as though in recent times all I've wanted were good reviews. I must stop this pattern of seeking validation, especially from people who probably couldn't care less about me. Don't get me wrong, my self esteem isn't at an all time low or anything dramatic of that nature. I just want to know am I on the right path to "adulting" correctly? Honestly, I'm lost.
Are adults really this damn clueless? Geesh, I feel sorry for the REAL screw ups!
As my childhood comes to an end (although I never really had one) and I prepare to graduate high school and attend college, I feel an incredible amount of pressure from Every! Damn! Body! From my family, my job, my teachers and YES even my friends. It's like I have no other choice but to be great, or at least good. I appreciate that they want to see me be greater than where I come from. However, it seems as if they want me to be THEIR kind of greater. And if I can be honest with you here, I just am not up for that shit.
I use to be the chubby kid who ate chocolate candies, could entertain herself and be at her happiest all alone without a care in the world. WHERE IS SHE?
WHERE IS THAT JAZZMINE?
I miss her!
The amount of times I've dozed off in class within this first month of Senior year has to be illegal. This life I live right now is not boring, it's just so damn depressing I'd rather sleep and dream of rainbows than look reality in the face.
I can't stay asleep though! I need a wake up call, splash of water, a come to Jesus moment, ANYTHING to keep me from giving up right now. To whom this may concern, why the hell do you trust me to make life altering decisions when you don't even trust me to use the restroom without a hall pass in school? I don't understand society! Not even sure if I want to understand this backwards BS. I just know I'm not a small kid anymore and I am scared. I feel like I'm alone in all of this and I'm told daily to just "figure it out" when I can't even figure out how to balance a checkbook (thanks to CPS cutting financial algebra this year- NICE BUDGETING *inserts sarcasm* *inserts MAJOR eye roll* *inserts MAJOR neck roll*). So, tell me again how I'm suppose to "figure life out."
Is it too late to be a kid again? Life has stressed me out to the minimum (God, I fear what's to come next) I already have gray hairs. Dear growing up, you lied to me just like everybody else. I can't figure out why the hell I'm so surprised. As I write this I want to burst into tears, but the way my scheduling is set up emotions didn't make an appointment. I only write in pen so I can't pencil her in for a quick moment. I have work to do. Adulthood, I am disappointed in you and we still have yet to have a formal greeting.
Sincerely,
A sad 17 year old named Jazzmine from Chicago.
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