I'm tired of being depressed and everyone thinking I'm just funny...

I'm not funny, I'm depressed. There is a difference, can you tell I cry every night? My sick jokes are nothing but a way for me to rid myself of the harm I wish to do to me, I am not funny. Please stop laughing at me, I am no comedy. I am no drama, I am real life and real sick. I can't do this alone no matter how hard I try. My family can't hear the screams behind my flesh, they're trapped in my lungs, I can't even hear them myself. I've silenced my sorrow because I didn't want to be "crazy," but fuck that I'm tired! Playing stable is worse than gym class and math, at least in one I can get a breath of fresh air every now and then. I've been an immigrant to my smile, a native to my wet pillow, tissue box and dark room. It's killing me to write this! I never wanted you guys to know how bad I am hurt, but this is shit I can't hold in. My emotions are worse than word vomit, so much so it's muted my voice. I haven't written a poem in months, only letters of depression asking her to flee from my being, I can no longer make play dates with her. I don't have enough time for me, to love me, to be me. I haven't been real in years because I've been hiding the truth behind my eyelids, these eyes aren't this big for nothing. I block oceans of tears whenever I blink because if I look life in the face for too long I may punch her. I try not to be violent and have ended up with the desire to be the Shakespeare of razor blades and wrists, but everyone would see that. My secrete would be out and no one will love me for the truth in my spirit they'll pity me into their sentences and add me on as a "P.S" in their prayers. I'm convinced no one really meant it when they said they loved me because they haven't see me in years, I've changed, gone bad on the inside, didn't allow any light in. She said my spirit was light but, failed to see my hips I am part Grendel, all beast. I am not funny, please stop laughing at me. I'm crying for help!

Self love lessons I've learned (in gym class)

I learned some of my biggest self love life lessons from the gym teachers I had throughout my academic career. 

Mr.Bogan(4th grade): Fat meat IS greasy so pay attention to the things in front of you. You'll learn yourself new every single day. 

Mrs.Turnerburks (5-8th grade): Love yourself now while you're young and take care of you now so later you'll be fine! You ARE beautiful no matter your weight. 

Ms.Enwall (HS Freshman year): DO NOT STOP RUNNING!!!! If life requires you to have 4 sticks you go after the 5. Never a such thing as too much investment in you. 

Mr.Hefferman (HS Junior year): Everything stops being unny when you lose focus on keeping yourself happy. (That missing F is in the failure you achieved by being able to see and still choose to be blind.)

Mr.Miller (HS Senior year): Damn right you're funny! Laugh at your own jokes and keep your spirit high no matter how bad your day was. You're a princess but, it's cute to get down, dirty and sweaty when you're on the field. The field isn't just a place for boys, girls can own that shit too! 

These may not be big lessons to you but, it's changed my life. Love these people no matter how much I HATED their gym classes. 

Dear growing up,

    I know I wished and hoped for many years that I could one day be an adult but, I now regret my thirst to be older. Growing up has to be one of the weirdest things I've ever done because now, I subconsciously seek approval in everything I do. I usually I wouldn't give a shit what people had to say. However, it seems as though in recent times all I've wanted were good reviews. I must stop this pattern of seeking validation, especially from people who probably couldn't care less about me. Don't get me wrong, my self esteem isn't at an all time low or anything dramatic of that nature. I just want to know am I on the right path to "adulting" correctly? Honestly, I'm lost.

Are adults really this damn clueless? Geesh, I feel sorry for the REAL screw ups!

   As my childhood comes to an end (although I never really had one) and I prepare to graduate high school and attend college, I feel an incredible amount of pressure from Every! Damn! Body! From my family, my job, my teachers and YES even my friends. It's like I have no other choice but to be great, or at least good. I appreciate that they want to see me be greater than where I come from. However, it seems as if they want me to be THEIR kind of greater. And if I can be honest with you here, I just am not up for that shit.
   I use to be the chubby kid who ate chocolate candies, could entertain herself and be at her happiest all alone without a care in the world. WHERE IS SHE?

WHERE IS THAT JAZZMINE?

I miss her!

 The amount of times I've dozed off in class within this first month of Senior year has to be illegal. This life I live right now is not boring, it's just so damn depressing I'd rather sleep and dream of rainbows than look reality in the face.
   I can't stay asleep though! I need a wake up call, splash of water, a come to Jesus moment, ANYTHING to keep me from giving up right now. To whom this may concern, why the hell do you trust me to make life altering decisions when you don't even trust me to use the restroom without a hall pass in school? I don't understand society! Not even sure if I want to understand this backwards BS. I just know I'm not a small kid anymore and I am scared. I feel like I'm alone in all of this and I'm told daily to just "figure it out" when I can't even figure out how to balance a checkbook (thanks to CPS cutting financial algebra this year- NICE BUDGETING *inserts sarcasm* *inserts MAJOR eye roll* *inserts MAJOR neck roll*). So, tell me again how I'm suppose to "figure life out."
   Is it too late to be a kid again? Life has stressed me out to the minimum (God, I fear what's to come next) I already have gray hairs. Dear growing up, you lied to me just like everybody else. I can't figure out why the hell I'm so surprised. As I write this I want to burst into tears, but the way my scheduling is set up emotions didn't make an appointment. I only write in pen so I can't pencil her in for a quick moment. I have work to do. Adulthood, I am disappointed in you and we still have yet to have a formal greeting.
                                                                               Sincerely,
                                                         A sad 17 year old named Jazzmine from Chicago.