I'm tired of being depressed and everyone thinking I'm just funny...

I'm not funny, I'm depressed. There is a difference, can you tell I cry every night? My sick jokes are nothing but a way for me to rid myself of the harm I wish to do to me, I am not funny. Please stop laughing at me, I am no comedy. I am no drama, I am real life and real sick. I can't do this alone no matter how hard I try. My family can't hear the screams behind my flesh, they're trapped in my lungs, I can't even hear them myself. I've silenced my sorrow because I didn't want to be "crazy," but fuck that I'm tired! Playing stable is worse than gym class and math, at least in one I can get a breath of fresh air every now and then. I've been an immigrant to my smile, a native to my wet pillow, tissue box and dark room. It's killing me to write this! I never wanted you guys to know how bad I am hurt, but this is shit I can't hold in. My emotions are worse than word vomit, so much so it's muted my voice. I haven't written a poem in months, only letters of depression asking her to flee from my being, I can no longer make play dates with her. I don't have enough time for me, to love me, to be me. I haven't been real in years because I've been hiding the truth behind my eyelids, these eyes aren't this big for nothing. I block oceans of tears whenever I blink because if I look life in the face for too long I may punch her. I try not to be violent and have ended up with the desire to be the Shakespeare of razor blades and wrists, but everyone would see that. My secrete would be out and no one will love me for the truth in my spirit they'll pity me into their sentences and add me on as a "P.S" in their prayers. I'm convinced no one really meant it when they said they loved me because they haven't see me in years, I've changed, gone bad on the inside, didn't allow any light in. She said my spirit was light but, failed to see my hips I am part Grendel, all beast. I am not funny, please stop laughing at me. I'm crying for help!

Self love lessons I've learned (in gym class)

I learned some of my biggest self love life lessons from the gym teachers I had throughout my academic career. 

Mr.Bogan(4th grade): Fat meat IS greasy so pay attention to the things in front of you. You'll learn yourself new every single day. 

Mrs.Turnerburks (5-8th grade): Love yourself now while you're young and take care of you now so later you'll be fine! You ARE beautiful no matter your weight. 

Ms.Enwall (HS Freshman year): DO NOT STOP RUNNING!!!! If life requires you to have 4 sticks you go after the 5. Never a such thing as too much investment in you. 

Mr.Hefferman (HS Junior year): Everything stops being unny when you lose focus on keeping yourself happy. (That missing F is in the failure you achieved by being able to see and still choose to be blind.)

Mr.Miller (HS Senior year): Damn right you're funny! Laugh at your own jokes and keep your spirit high no matter how bad your day was. You're a princess but, it's cute to get down, dirty and sweaty when you're on the field. The field isn't just a place for boys, girls can own that shit too! 

These may not be big lessons to you but, it's changed my life. Love these people no matter how much I HATED their gym classes. 

Dear growing up,

    I know I wished and hoped for many years that I could one day be an adult but, I now regret my thirst to be older. Growing up has to be one of the weirdest things I've ever done because now, I subconsciously seek approval in everything I do. I usually I wouldn't give a shit what people had to say. However, it seems as though in recent times all I've wanted were good reviews. I must stop this pattern of seeking validation, especially from people who probably couldn't care less about me. Don't get me wrong, my self esteem isn't at an all time low or anything dramatic of that nature. I just want to know am I on the right path to "adulting" correctly? Honestly, I'm lost.

Are adults really this damn clueless? Geesh, I feel sorry for the REAL screw ups!

   As my childhood comes to an end (although I never really had one) and I prepare to graduate high school and attend college, I feel an incredible amount of pressure from Every! Damn! Body! From my family, my job, my teachers and YES even my friends. It's like I have no other choice but to be great, or at least good. I appreciate that they want to see me be greater than where I come from. However, it seems as if they want me to be THEIR kind of greater. And if I can be honest with you here, I just am not up for that shit.
   I use to be the chubby kid who ate chocolate candies, could entertain herself and be at her happiest all alone without a care in the world. WHERE IS SHE?

WHERE IS THAT JAZZMINE?

I miss her!

 The amount of times I've dozed off in class within this first month of Senior year has to be illegal. This life I live right now is not boring, it's just so damn depressing I'd rather sleep and dream of rainbows than look reality in the face.
   I can't stay asleep though! I need a wake up call, splash of water, a come to Jesus moment, ANYTHING to keep me from giving up right now. To whom this may concern, why the hell do you trust me to make life altering decisions when you don't even trust me to use the restroom without a hall pass in school? I don't understand society! Not even sure if I want to understand this backwards BS. I just know I'm not a small kid anymore and I am scared. I feel like I'm alone in all of this and I'm told daily to just "figure it out" when I can't even figure out how to balance a checkbook (thanks to CPS cutting financial algebra this year- NICE BUDGETING *inserts sarcasm* *inserts MAJOR eye roll* *inserts MAJOR neck roll*). So, tell me again how I'm suppose to "figure life out."
   Is it too late to be a kid again? Life has stressed me out to the minimum (God, I fear what's to come next) I already have gray hairs. Dear growing up, you lied to me just like everybody else. I can't figure out why the hell I'm so surprised. As I write this I want to burst into tears, but the way my scheduling is set up emotions didn't make an appointment. I only write in pen so I can't pencil her in for a quick moment. I have work to do. Adulthood, I am disappointed in you and we still have yet to have a formal greeting.
                                                                               Sincerely,
                                                         A sad 17 year old named Jazzmine from Chicago.

Quick GPA tip

Hey all, just a quick way to help us reach our GPA goals this school year: Set a goal of the grades you want and in which classes AHEAD of time (no more waiting until the last week of the semester to get a grade change and pretend to care and your grades). See what your GPA would be and from there you can plan out what you may need to do or stop doing in some cases to help you go from good to greater. The screenshot is the website I've been going to all throughout high school to help me reach my GPA goals. It's helped greatly. What's the whole point of this? Awareness is key. If you KNOW the class you're taking may not be your strongest, seek help ahead of time when you start to see yourself sinking. No drowning this year, we are on a push to greater. You can never say you never knew because now I've told ya, knowledge is power- now use it! Hahaha! 

I wish you all a very successful and a very peaceful school year. LETS GO CLASS OF 2016!!!!!!! 

AND I haven't forgotten about the college students, they have a GPA calculator for you too. Good luck this year!

#QueenLife

#QueenLife is not just a hashtag, it's a lifestyle. We need to take back our crown. Us as growing women need to remember what it's like to be the queens we were made to be. We must demand our respect and uplift each other. Instead of competing against and tearing each other down, we need to work with and build each other up.

Also we need to uplift our men and show them how to be kings. We need our morals back. We need to be more than just a pretty face and banging body. We need to gain our allure back and stop putting out everything for show. Be ladies and not bitches and hoes. Stop self hating and embrace your beauty, flaws and all.

Food For Thought.

Besos,

Ashley Marie

T-shirt VS. Towel (Quick Tip)

Okay new naturals, here's another one for you. Drying your hair. STOP using towels to dry your hair!!! You are to always use a T-shirt. 

Why? I very recently learned why my fro was frizzing so often and it was (in my theory) that the towel absorbed the water 1. too quickly and 2. the fabric is sometimes too rough on our hair. 

The feel of a T-shirt is smooth and glides effortlessly on my curls. The towel for me would sometimes snag little parts of my hair and I couldn't have that. 

For this you don't have to buy a special kind of shirt just a regular old cotton T you have laying around the house. For me this switch allowed me anywhere from a few more frizz-less hours to a whole day. 

Wondering how to wrap your hair in a shirt? Just follow the images below.

                                                                                                                          -(Jazz)mine.

My Nail Growth

Guys ALL of my life I've struggled with nail biting. I can't help it! Sometimes it's the only way I keep from going crazy (especially during the school year). 

As a way to help me find new ways to deal with my stress I said I would not bite my nails for as long as possible. This honestly, has kept me busy. It's darn near a full time job. I've had to grow more conscious of the things I was doing every minute of the day as well as the things I would say and what I allowed to bother me. 

This not only was a quest to grow my nails but, an effort to just grow up in general. No one in my opinion can treat you like an adult if you have the nails of a child so, I stopped biting. Hahaha! 

Along with simply not biting I took a break from nail polish. I personally feel that polish doesn't help your nails be as healthy as they can be so I just stopped for a while. Besides, what was I loosing from just testing a sour theory? 

Tonight was the first time in a while I polished my nails. Even though it was with clear polish it was a great baby step I'd like to think. Is nail biting an issue for you? Send me a picture of your nails and tell me about it @fwfblog on Twitter and (or) Instagram.

                             -(Jazz)mine